What I Wish I knew Before My Break-Up
Break-ups are hard and adjusting to life after a break-up can be harder. This week on the Emotionally Driven Podcast, Camila Lemere joined me again. Well, actually we broke her episode into two parts because we had such a great conversation that it lasted over an hour!
On this week’s episode, Camila shares advice that has helped with her most recent break-up. Her words got me thinking about what I wish I knew before my break-ups, so I decided to share them with you. Hopefully they save you from the pain that I felt.
1. Go No-Contact
I’ve learned that as much as you want to be friends with your ex, most times you can’t. I mean it. After break-ups, we think it is possible to be friends and hangout without any romantic feelings involved. I learned the hard way that more often than not, it’s impossible to be friends with an ex. It’s hard to immediately shut off your feelings for someone, especially if you were in love with them. For that reason, being friends with your ex after a break-up is hard. Do yourself a favor and give yourself and your ex some space. Save yourself the hurt and go no-contact.
2. Hide All Your Photos with Them
This sounds silly, but I promise it works. Don’t torture yourself by looking at the photos of your relationship with them, especially at the beginning of the break-up. But it can also be too painful to delete all the photos you have of them on your phone too early. So, just hide them. It’s fairly easy to do on an iPhone or any other type of phone. That way you won’t see them, but they won’t be gone forever. It’ll give you enough time to figure out what you want to do with them.
3. Lean on Your Friends
Talk to that friend you haven’t seen in a bit, but instead of spending all that time just talking to them about your break-up, ask about them. It’s important to allow space for them to feel seen and heard too. Sometimes when we’re going through something hard, especially a break-up, we tend to dump it all on anyone who will listen. Make sure to remember your friends may also be going through some hard times. They will be happy to be there for you during a tough time, but just remember that you need to be there for them too.
4. Journal Often
Being able to write down your thoughts can be very helpful during this time. So, if you don’t have a journal, buy one. I like Moleskine (my favorites are the ones without lines). Write about how you feel, write about the conversations you had before, during and after your break-up. Write about what you want, what you don’t want. Write about the sadness and happiness you feel in-between. Just put it all down, even the stuff you would never dare say out loud. Writing out everything allows you to think things through and organize thoughts, which then leads to reducing stress and processing feelings.
And if there’s anything you ever feel embarrassed about writing or scared that someone will read, just rip the page out and burn it. Those thoughts weren’t meant to be saved; they were just meant to help you get it all out.
5. Remember the Good and the Bad
Part of writing in your journal is remembering the good and the bad of your failed relationship. Sometimes after parting from someone, we tend to idealize them. Most of the time they don’t deserve it, and it tends to hurt us more than comfort us. We think they’re the only person we’ll ever love or the only person who will ever love us (which isn’t true). Or sometimes we’re on the opposite side of the spectrum, where we tend to hate them and focus on how awful they are.
Remembering the good and the bad means remembering that time they took care of you when you were sick and made you feel like the most loved person in the world. It also means remembering when they lied to you about that one thing that was a big deal.
They can be someone who made you feel the most loved, while also being someone who made you feel the most inadequate in your life. The two can exist at the same time. It’s complicated and confusing, but it’s better than hating them overall or putting them on a pedestal that they don’t deserve to be on.
6. Closure is Found Through Yourself, Not Them
Camila and I talked about this on the podcast, but I think it needs to be reiterated. My therapist once told me I should never go into closure with expectations because there’s a big chance I’ll be disappointed.
Closure itself isn’t bad, it’s okay to have a final conversation to get things cleared. But the part that makes it bad is whenever we hold expectations going into that conversation. Having those expectations is natural, but it’s important to recognize them and see if we can remove them. For example, say an ex texted you today and said they wanted to talk and get closure. You would most likely go into it thinking they’re going to apologize or say they miss you or that they want to get back together. If you’re thinking this way and you go to talk to them and they do the complete opposite of this, it’s going to break your heart all over again.
That is why closure is found through you, not them. It is found through remembering the good and the bad of your relationship (both from your doing and your ex’s doing), through letting yourself feel your emotions, through time, and healing (as cliche as it sounds).
As they say, time heals all wounds… But I actually believe through time, YOU heal all wounds. Part of the healing journey is focusing on you and the ones in your life who love you. Feelings won’t stay forever, and that can sound daunting, but also comforting. One day you won’t love them anymore, ouch. BUT one day you won’t love them anymore, yay!